A Bigger Chuppah

Dear Congregants,

Nearly half of our congregants joined us after 1998. So here’s a brief history lesson for you, followed by an important update in our synagogue’s policies:

Over thirteen years ago, our congregation wrestled with the question of Jewish marriage for same-sex couples. Our discussions weighed several competing Jewish values: the force of long-standing tradition; our own Jewish community’s long-standing principle of changing Jewish practice when ethical considerations call for such change; the practice within Judaism of compelling individuals to restrict their sexuality to a single committed partner within a religiously recognized domestic partnership; the emerging awareness in both cultural and scientific circles of homosexuality as a normal variation of human sexuality; and our ancient Rabbis’ decision that, in general, “the law of the land is law” for Jews living in a non-Jewish society.

We voted in 1998 to accept a “middle-ground” proposal – to be revisited over time - that granted recognition and dignity to couples in our community who would make the same commitments to fidelity and family to which all of our couples pledge in their marriage vows.

Given the newness of the idea of same-sex marriage at the time, the discomfort of many in our community to the idea and, not less importantly, the then non-legality of secular same-sex marriage, we voted to create a space for our same-sex Jewish couples to celebrate their marriages by means of a ceremony that would borrow from, but not replicate, the traditional wedding liturgy.

Furthermore, we agreed to a moratorium on same-sex wedding blessings (the so-called “ufruf”) until a measure of time had passed. (We eventually updated that practice to include same-sex “ufrufen.”)

Now, in light of the passing of time, the considerable progress made on this issue by Jewish leaders and thinkers from across the spectrum of Jewish movements and streams, and the newly legal status of same-sex marriage in our State of New York, the Bet Am Shalom Board of Trustees has updated our own policy as follows:

We now perform marriage ceremonies for same-sex Jewish couples according to the same criteria we impose on heterosexual couples, utilizing the same liturgical and ceremonial considerations we offer any marrying couple. We authorize our rabbi to conduct such ceremonies – whether on our synagogue premises or elsewhere – according to the same standards and criteria he applies to any marrying couple. We open our premises to such weddings for renting couples and visiting rabbis according to the same criteria and standards we impose on all marriages.

I wrote the policy and the description of how we got there, and I proudly stand behind it. Our Board of Trustees tinkered with the wording and passed it unanimously on October 31, 2011 (4 Marheshvan 5772).

It’s not that we weren’t “there” already, but it feels great to put in on paper. I hope it makes a positive difference for the next generations of our people.

Rabbi Lester Bronstein

Reprinted from Lev La'am, December 2011

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